Failure...What To Call This?

Everyday I Try My Best To Not Get Into Anything. To Not Be In Vain But Be Focused On My Future And Slowly Revealing The Extravagant Person That I Am. I Guess Because Of This Stoned Mindset I Have...I Feel The Need To Just Never Allow Any Type Of Disrespectn To Go My Way. I Just Can't See Past The Past ! You Know I Always Used To Say How My Parents Are Always Going Back To The Past To Make Present Judgements And Decisions...But I See Now This Very Moment That I Am Doing The Same Exact Thing. It Is The Way I Build My Personal Ethics...&& I Am Now Beginning To Feel As If It Is Destroying Me. I Am Destroying Myself...Or Am I Really? I Don't Know ! I Do Not Feel As If Any Of My Actions Were WRONG. I Know Right From Wrong. && I Know My RIGHTS ! && I Highly Treasure The Respect I Have For Myself ! Especially Due To The Fact That I Have Just Received Respect For Myself. Maybe I Am Just Doing It The Wrong Way...Or WHAT? I Don't Have A Clue ! Why Must Me Protecting Myself Turn Out To Be The Worst Moments Of My Life ! Am I Handling It Wrong? I Don't Understand. I Mean Everytime I Think Of Myself I Do Think Of The Past. The Past Is Still There And Will Never Go Away Or Be Forgotton. So It Is Basically Haunting Me. Yet It Motivates Me So Damn Much. I Just Want To Have An Ease And Relief For These Next Couple Of Years I Have To Reach My Highest Potential. It Is Here And Is Just Waiting To Come Out ! But You Know I Just Keep Thinking About My Past. It Just Saddens Me. I Never Thought That I Would Be The Type To Go Through These Things...It Is Just Totally Unbelievable. You Can Tell I Am A Very Strong Individual. The Things I Were Going Through Usually Result In Totally Failure. I Always Catch Myself Sometimes You Know? I Know When Something Even If It Is Me In A Violation Of My Ethics. I Just Know It ! Do I Get The Routine From My Parents? I Mean...Do I? Cause It Sure Does Seem Like It ! && This Is Why We Will Never Be One. Though I Understand Their Perspective...They Will Never Understand Mine. It Just Vexes Me. If This Is Bad Luck Or What? Who's Payback Am I Suffering From? I Try My Best To Make My Parents Proud Of Me. Why Does Vain Always Come My Way  When I Have No Intension Of Causing Vain !

Underestimation? New View?

You Know I Will Never Change The Way I View Myself. Because It Is The Total Opposite Of How The World Sees Me && What The World Expects From Me. Which Is Probably At Most Negative And Stereotyped. It Is What Makes Me Proud Of Myself Because I Proved Them/He/She Wrong. The World Doesn't Revolve Around Me, Which Is Why I Guess I'm Having Issues In This World. I've Been Through Things An American Teenager Wouldn't Usually Go Through. It's Been To The Extent That, I Should've Crashed From The Start. And Obviously Been On A Different Path. I Vary From That Group && Have Shown Sense And Capability. I Am Capable Of Heading To The Path Of Destruction. But I'm Not. I Am Following The Path Of Ime. Not Destruction. Because I Follow My Own Path To Live And Produce My Life, There Will Be Ostacles That Will Indeed Make Moves To Destroy It ! Or Dismantle It...But You Know What... It Is Okay. I Live According To The Motives And Routines Of The Real World. There Were Points In My Life Where I Felt That Survival In This World Is Impossible. But Now That I See How Much Of A Person I Am && The Great Ideas I Have For Myself And My Future And My Life ! I Want To Live It ! I'm Looking Foward To The Things I Have To Go Through To Get There ! I Need Satisfaction In My Life ! For Survival && I Know What I Have To Do To Get There ! It Is My Education And Self Respect ! You Know I've Never Had A Problem With Academics. Academic Success Comes To Me With Ease. But Self Respect && Self- Esteem Has Been A Struggle With Me For Years ! I've Never Thought That I Would Ever Look In The Mirror And Say Oh I'm So Pretty Or That Someone Other Than My Mother And Father Would Tell Me That I'm Beautiful Or Pretty. But Now That I've Grown A Love For Myself Thanks To The Destruction MY Mother Has Brought To My Life.. I Am Feeling Just So Good About Myself !! Finally ! Everyday ! I Enjoy Being An Outkast...Performing Outlandish Acts... And Being Naturally Eccentric. It Feels Great To Feel Your Own Feeling. And Think Your Own Way About Everything ! It Gets You Places !

Unrealistic People

I Find It Just Nuts. How People Can Just Be Turn Their Back On You Like This.
Nah. I Won't Even Considering Turning The Back, I'd Consider It Just Being Confused.

People Always Try To Be Different Because These Days Being Different Is Cool.
But, You Can Tell Who Is Being Who They Really Are And Who Is Being What They Want To Be.

I Am An Example Of A True Realistically Different Person. It Is A Fact That I Am...That Is How I Am Basically Categorized By Everyone That Meets Me.

My Mind Is Located In A Different Era Of Life. I Take Things Differently And Analyze Things Different
&& I Give That To My Parents. That Is How They Raised Me, I Can Not Change It !
But, Thank God I Am Not Using It The Wrong Way.

Anyway, Everyone Knows The Basics Of Right And Wrong In All Aspects And Areas Of Life !
&& People That Try To Change That, Do Not Know What Place They Are In Life.

Sure You Can Know What You Are Heading For...But When It Comes To The Present Tense...Is That Really How You Want To Be?

&& Do Not Say Bi-Polar Because If You Seriously Are Then...A Doctor With A PHD Would've Diagnosed That On You.

Basically, People Set This Repuatation Because They Thinks It Is Cool. And Go By It && Abide By The Most Phoniest Rules.

That Is Why I Have To Be Careful...Because Not Everyone Will Be Real With You !
Regardless I Am Going To Be Real With Everyone I Meet, Because It Is Just How I Am.
&& I Feel As If I Am Wrong If I Were To Lie To Anyone !
They Wouldn't Really Know Me As A Person.

I Do Want People To Know How And Who I Am,
So They Can Know How To Treat Me.

I Honestly And SERIOUSLY Hate Being Mistreated.
It Just Is Not A Good Side Of Me To Keep ! And Show !
Butttttttttt.
 I Am Getting Older. I Do Not Have To Deal With These People In My Real Personal Life.
They Will Realize And Feel Seriously Stupid Anyway.

So I Will Just Continue My Roads To Success.

Lonely?

You Know. I Went Away To College For A Reason.

To Lessen Stress.
Become Extremely Social.
Have A 100% Focus On Academics
And To Continue My Track And Field Career

&& That All Has Been A Big Fail. I'm Beginning To Realize That I Have Made A Mistake.

I Should've Stayed Somewhere In New York.

I Guess I Can Not Deal With People From Other States.
Like This DMV Ish. Is Not My Ish.

I Just Can Not Seem To Click With ANYONE Out Here.
It Really Sucks Because I'm Extremely Lonely, And I'm Not Used To Not Having Alot Of Friends.

I Have No One To Vent To. No One To Understand Me. No One To Constantly Advise Me.

No One Out Here Understands Me Personality. And They Won't Get Used To Me, Because They Do Not Have To Deal With Me.

In High School It Was Different. Everyone Had To Deal With Me Wether They Liked It Or Not.

&& Because Of My Eccentric Personality I've Gained Alot Of Friends ! && It Feels Great To Know A Whole RACK Of People.

I'm Just A True Socialite. Everywhere I Go I Must Socialize. I Must Constantly Know What Is Going On Everywhere

That's Just Me && The True New Yorker In Me !